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Visiting a country school
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small girl stuck her head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"...
Parachute
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens.Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear.
As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her
"Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
... TOO MUCH SPEEDING (QUÁ TỐC ĐỘ)
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good... A CLEVER RESPONSE
A young girl at school is being told of by the teacher. "You never get anything right," complains the teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?"
And the child replies, "I want to work on TV as a weather girl."
Translate:
Một học sinh ở trường bị cô giáo trách: "Em chẳng bao giờ làm được cái gì đúng cả, em nghĩ em sẽ làm nghề gì sau khi em ra trường?"
Cô bé trả lời "Em muốn là người dự báo thời... Lawyer on Vacation
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. And... Because of the Sign
The teacher asked: Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher: What Sign?
Johnny: The sign that says "School ahead. Go slow"... The turtles
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. So the youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's just eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"... I love you
A man was out for a drink with his wife one night and he said, "I love you".
The wife asked, "Is that you or the beer talking"
He said, "It's me........ I'm talking to the beer"!... The nature of things…
The nature of things…
Life on a bald guy's head…
"They say that if you cross this desert, you'll find another world just like ours!".... You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"... The Taxi Driver
During a ride in a taxicab, the passenger touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon feeling the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally, the driver got control and pulled over to the side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his passenger and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".... The Mental Asylum
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they decided whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. So do... Friends
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. So the wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.... 
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. PLEASE! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR DINNER!!!... Dog experiments
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut off one of the dog's legs, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg. Then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from... Elephant's milk
A: Did you hear about the baby that was fed only elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.... Dreams
One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you’ll find out tonight…," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."... Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."... 
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